warrior of expression*

So peep game. I'm a Buddhist. *Audience goes, "Yeah, man, we know."*

It's funny. Steph was in the car with The Boys, and the conversation went a little like this:

Them: Where's Nini (they and Ms Apple Bottoms are the only ones who call me this)?
Her: She's at the community center.
Them: Oh, is she working with kids or volunteering or something?
Her: No. The Buddhist community center.
Them: Oh. *pause* And what does she do there?
Her: Well there are meetings and she chants.
Them: Like Tina Turner?
Her: Yeah.
Them: That's cool. I imagine that makes her feel peaceful and relaxed.
Her: It does.

And it really does. It's tripped out though, because when I became interested in Buddhism, I was never interested in the SGI/Nichiren Buddhism, or what I thought of as "Tina Turner" Buddhism (see What's Love Got to Do With It?). I thought it was cooler to be a Zen Buddhist. That's what seemed trendy, and that's all I knew about, frankly. But it didn't resonate with me.

I read about Buddhism over the years (I first got interested when I was in college). Fast forward several years and Steph tells me her co-worker is a Buddhist and knows that I'm interested in Buddhism. Some lunch meetings later, I'm going to the Buddhist community center, apprehensive and very skeptical. The people looked too happy. It all seemed so suspect. I was there when I heard a large group of people chanting together for the first time.

I was floored. I'm not gonna say I knew for sure right then that was the path for me, but something in me was affected. I started going to meetings, sort of into it and sort of afraid to dive right in. Because I'm research girl, I started researching this school of Buddhism and its lay organization, the SGI. Heard great things. Heard some not so great things, some allusions to it being a little cult-like. It didn't seem like one to me, nobody was trying to force me to drink any kool-aid. In fact, these were some of the coolest folks I had ever met.

So anyway, fast forward. Now I'm officially a member of the SGI, I have an altar at home, and I realize (particularly after a conversation that I had today) that I still have this idea in my head that "Yeah, this is working out for me, but I'm afraid to really talk about it, because what if it's too weird?"

Take my mom for instance. She knows I practice, she asks me general questions about my practice, but I've never practiced when I'm at home or when she comes to visit me. I think I'm waiting for her to look at me like I'm crazy.

I'm just thinking how that undercurrent of disbelief and doubt can really jack up your faith, man. And that's the kicker. I never thought I would be a person of faith, whatever that means. I'm this progressive, liberal woman, and "person of faith" feels like it belongs with someone who aligns with the right or something. It's crazy what spirituality shows you about yourself.

It wasn't until I started practicing that I began to understand what I really believe on a whole new level. And maybe that's what spiritual practice/belief is supposed to do for you.

OK...so I'm gonna work on this. I found something that works for me.

Period.

*a nod of the head to Stacey B. Stacey